I Hate Working
by lilithtorch2
Summary: CHANGED from old version (for old version, see Chapters 2-4). S.H.I.E.L.D. agents take time off work to provide their perspective on the romantic tension between Bucky and Natasha. Discussion of general romantic tropes. Also read w/ Neon Trees, "Everybody Talks." Bucky/Natasha, James/Natasha, Winter Soldier/Black Widow
1. New Version

*****A/N: I changed this from the original version (see chapters 2-4). In the new version, I try to make it clear that the present takes place in a large conference room and the past generally takes place in the breakroom or outside someone's office. This story ties directly with "I Hate a Goddamn Whiner" and "I Hate Mondays," and is in a separate timeline from the "I Will Always Find You" story.**

**Having recently played Stanley Parable, I could not help myself and included an accountant by the name of Stanley. My storytelling could never top something as epic as that game, though. Anyway, this originated from watching the Boardwalk Empire scene where Sally Wheet punches Nucky Thumpson (see "I Hate a Goddamn Whiner"), the part in the trailer where Black Widow mentions "Kristen from Statistics," and became an attempt to imitate The Office in text format. The concept was ultimately born from the question, "What in the world would S.H.I.E.L.D.'s financial statements look like?"**

**This is basically my way to comment on/vent about the frustrations of having to watch two protagonists on a TV show make googly eyes at each other for at least 6 seasons (give or take) before they finally get married, get it on, etc.**

**WARNING: If you're a Clintasha fan, read with caution.*****

* * *

Stanley from Accounting rushed into his office at 6 am in the morning. He sighed. Every day was always another busy season, especially with the way the S.H.I.E.L.D. functioned. You just didn't know, or maybe you just didn't want to know, how much the agency owed in liabilities or how they got the money to even operate in the first place. All he knew for sure was that expenses would fluctuate every quarter. Every day was another boring, busy day. He greeted his colleague, Joann, also from Accounting, in the breakroom and sat down with the rest of his fellow agents at a table, enjoying daily breakfast provided by Nick Fury's favorite bagel place.

That's when Aamir from I.T. decided to stop by.

"Guys, guys," Aamir from I.T. whispered excitedly. "You won't believe what I found out about Natasha Romanoff!"

Stanley looked curiously in Aamir's direction. Everyone who was sitting in the breakroom did. In Aamir's hand was a secret portable tablet that was not provided by S.H.I.E.L.D. Aamir motioned for them to come closer and see what he had discovered.

* * *

In the present, the agents were huddled together in a large conference room, where they were being interviewed by someone who wanted to do a documentary on S.H.I.E.L.D. After assurances that this particular interview was completely confidential (they would show up onscreen as black shadows and names would be redacted if necessary), they comfortably moved on with the interview.  
"Aamir was such a ninja," Paul from Research and Development remarked.  
"Even with recent developments, we couldn't tell anyone what we did," Joann explained, "or Aamir would get fired."  
"And what did you find?" the interviewer asked.  
"Juicy details," Stanley answered dramatically.  
"Two words: Winter Soldier," replied Aamir, as he rushed into the room, laptop in hand. "Sorry I'm late, guys."

* * *

Back in the break room, Stanley, despite claiming that he "didn't care about who was dating who" in the S.H.I.E.L.D. agency, was the first to announce that he wanted to look at the tablet in Aamir's hand.

He read its contents as the rest of his colleagues leaned forward intently. "It says she used to work in Soviet Russia..." He browsed through the file. "Something about a Winter Soldier."

The S.H.I.E.L.D. agents had always believed that Natasha Romanoff, a.k.a. Black Widow, was just another over-powered super agent in their office, who also happened to be dating Clint Barton, a.k.a. Hawkeye, at the time. Little did they know that there was more to her than meets the eye.

"Oh my god," cried Josephine from Foreign Relations. "Is he her ex?"  
The agents began to whisper to each other. "I always thought she couldn't move on from something." "Figures there's an ex in the picture. There's always an ex in the picture."  
Aamir rolled his eyes. "Oh for fuck's sake, you guys, there's more! Keep reading, Stan."  
The words dropped on all the agents heavily.

"Suspected to be Bucky Barnes." They all knew who Bucky Barnes was: James Buchanan Barnes, the best friend (practically a brother) of Steve Rogers, a.k.a. Captain America, from way back. Known womanizer in the 1940s, but a damn good sharpshooter according to their grandparents and great-grandparents.

* * *

"We all thought he was dead," Joann told the interviewer.

Another person nodded in agreement. "I heard he fell into the icy waters and that was the last Steve or anyone else had ever seen of him. Turns out, that wasn't the whole story at all."

* * *

"Pictures or it didn't happen," Paul prodded back in the breakroom.

Aamir was prepared. He swiped the screen on the tablet, and the screen revealed a recent photo of the Winter Soldier.  
They all looked, their eyes wide in shock. Bucky's and the Winter Soldier's features were practically identical. Both were dark-haired, with blue eyes. Except that the Winter Soldier had longer hair, and his face was covered by a mask and he was slightly older. Naturally, someone decided to do a facial comparison using their S.H.I.E.L.D.-provided smartphone, but the results were the same: Bucky Barnes was indeed the Winter Soldier.  
"Bucky is the Winter Soldier? How the fuck did that happen?"  
Aamir became dramatic. "More importantly: Steve and Natasha have no idea they're connected to the exact same person."

* * *

"We never told anyone until now," Joann whispered in the conference room. "We didn't want to get Aamir fired. Could you make sure to edit Aamir out of this somehow? We don't want Nick Fury to ever know about his involvement. As long as he never gets caught, Nick Fury can't hold anything against us."

They talked about the drama that unfolded. Natasha had been tackling more missions than usual (someone from HR had even tallied how many she'd been doing each week) and they all remembered how close she was to death after each one. They weren't sure what this would mean for the Clint/Natasha relationship, but they waited with bated breath. After she'd been unusually reckless for about three months, Steve found out about their shared connection to the Winter Soldier/Bucky Barnes, but it took a long time before anyone could tell for sure if Clint knew anything about it.

"He was sneaking around, trying to do what Aamir had been doing," Paul explained calmly, "but I'm not sure if he was ever able to do anything."

They all mentioned that, much to the chagrin of a few hardcore fans, Clint and Natasha eventually broke up, even though they remained close confidantes.

"Remember when Clint and Natasha were still dating and Bucky joined S.H.I.E.L.D.?"

"Jesus Christ, that was pure gold!" Aamir laughed. "I still have some popcorn with me, you guys want some?"

* * *

After Aamir had released those juicy details to everyone at S.H.I.E.L.D. in the breakroom, nothing happened for awhile. Sure, they all noticed that Clint was walking around hallways that he shouldn't even be walking around in and overall trying to be a ninja, but otherwise, nothing interesting. Rumors were passed around that Clint's relationship with Natasha had become strained, but again, nothing. Clint was still seen with Natasha at all hours of the day. To make things interesting again, someone actually decided to put up a blog centered around the perceived drama between any or all of the Avengers. But still...nothing. All the agents secretly hoped that they would have something to do outside of their boring day-to-day job.

Then the Winter Soldier joined the team, and that's when the agents learned the meaning of, "Be careful what you wish for."

And the Accounting and Research and Development departments got the brunt of it.

As Stanley from Accounting sorted out the files necessary to prepare the financial statements, he heard some commotion outside. He turned to Joann. "What the hell is going on out there?"

As if on cue, Aamir rushed into their office. "Guys," he said, handing everyone bags of popcorn and pretzels, "you really need to see this!"

Stanley and Joann pried themselves from their computers and made their way outside of the office. They looked around; there were hordes of people standing outside their cubicles or their offices, watching a scene in the center. Stanley turned around to find Paul looking for them.

"Paul, what the hell?"

"Stan, I really don't know what's going on."

They heard some yelling, mostly in Russian. It was too bad that they didn't have their translator devices with them, but they weren't sure if they wanted to know so much, either. There were bits and pieces they could all understand. "Just tell me, Natalia, what do you see in Clint?" "What did you think I was going to do, sit and wait for you while you were off frozen somewhere?"

And Happy Hogan, Tony Stark's bodyguard, who happened to be at the office when the commotion started, had the nerve to tell the Winter Soldier that he'd seen Natasha changing clothes in the backseat of his car.

* * *

"He said something about how Natasha was not going to be a frigid bitch forever, not with that body of hers," Paul said, facepalming. He took a sip of his coffee.  
"I swear the Winter Soldier was going to kill him," Joann remembered.  
"What the hell was he doing there, anyway?"

Aamir filled in the details by drawing on the whiteboard in the conference room. Everyone knew that there was some kind of unresolved sexual tension between Natasha Romanoff and Bucky Barnes ("she was seeing someone else, he was fucked up in the head"), but it had been dragging on for the better part of the year at that point. Then, after four grueling years of this, Bob the janitor, who happened to be a fan of the Bucky/Natasha pairing, started taking bets as to when the two ex-Soviet agents would finally get together. He then explained that Tony's bodyguard was probably ordered there to gather intel on WinterWidow (the label for the Natasha Romanoff/Bucky Barnes pairing) for his employer.

"We asked Phil Coulson if he wanted to join in, too," Paul said, "and the next thing you know, the other Avengers started betting."  
"Having Steve join was like cheating, though. He's close friends with Bucky after all."

"Bucky and Natasha yelled at each other in Russian again-"

"And they suddenly started fighting! Rick, you remember that?" The agents were referring to Rick, a Director from Research and Development, who ended up having to ensure that all expensive equipment were moved to safe storage locations away from the massive destruction that Natasha and James would eventually cause at the office.  
Rick did not say anything, as he wanted to forget that horrible time.  
Joann: "Accounting hid in the basement during that whole time."  
Stanley piped up. "We had the highest amount of expenses that quarter."  
"Oh Stanley," Joann corrected him. "We had the highest amount of expenses in any quarter when they would fight." They noted that shortly after this, the Clint and Natasha relationship was no more. While no one was sure of the details, they figured that James had something to do with it.

* * *

Back in the past, Josephine, from Human Resources, made her way to the breakroom, hoping to get a snack from the vending machine. As she stepped in, she heard chatting coming from inside. As soon as she stepped into the room, she immediately regretted her decision. Standing close to each other in the breakroom were Bucky and Natasha. They had been about to kiss, and, to Josephine's horror, she had interrupted them. Which meant that there would be more infighting.

Josephine quickly muttered an "I'm sorry," rushed to the vending machine to grab a small bag of chocolates, and hurried out of the room, red with embarrassment.

* * *

In the conference room, all the agents glared at Robin from Human Resources. "What the hell were you thinking?!" They mentioned to the interviewer that Josephine's interruption had created awkward tension between Natasha and James for months, and that the fighting resumed.

Josephine protested that she didn't know what was going to happen, especially not in something as innocent as a breakroom.  
"Accounting finally called it quits and hid in the basement," Stanley sighed. "We moved everything."  
"I got a pair of soundproof headsets," someone else recalled.  
"We were so lucky that R&D never moved the expensive equipment back out from storage," Rick recalled.  
"Thank god for Harold from Security though," Aamir added as he patted Josephine on the back to comfort her. "Ever since what happened with Josephine, he developed an application that all the agents could use tracking Natasha's and James's location, so that we could know to avoid those places. No tension between them means higher productivity for the rest of us."  
"Newsflash, Aamir: we never get any work done."

Aamir added that this wasn't even the best part. The best part was what was called "The Bus Incident," which pissed off Nick Fury so much, he couldn't even speak for the rest of the day.

"Could you explain what The Bus is, first of all?"  
"The 'Bus' is a misnomer; it's really a plane. This is supposed to be the base of operations for Phil Coulson and his quirky team. It's gone through its second big renovation in the last seven years."  
"First one was when Coulson's team blew a giant hole in the Bus."  
"I hated renovating that!"

* * *

It was a Monday like any other, or so Stanley and the rest of his colleagues thought as they walked into the S.H.I.E.L.D. building for another long day of work, beating people up, and bruises. Then they saw the janitor, Bob, rushing out of The Bus.

"Bob?"  
"Don't go in there," Bob warned threateningly. "You can't interrupt whatever's going on in there."  
The agents surrounding the plane all looked at the tracking application that Harold had developed. The dots representing Bucky and Natasha were right there _inside that plane!_

Paul instinctively made a move to get into the plane and got tackled down by the janitor.  
"I _told you_, NO!"  
The janitor continued, "When I walked into The Bus to do the usual maintenance, it... the view wasn't pretty. So I explored the rest of the plane to see what the hell happened. I made my way to the lounge and I heard some noises or shuffling." He wiped sweat from his brow. "I almost ran into Bucky and Natasha there!"  
"What does this mean for the rest of us?" Joann wondered.  
"What it means is..._don't let anyone go in there!"_

* * *

During the interview in the conference room, Paul explained that the agents just stood awkwardly outside of The Bus because they weren't sure what to do next. When Nick Fury and Agent Coulson showed up, someone tried to talk them out of entering the Bus.  
"We were so worried, we thought for sure he'd ruin everything we'd worked so hard for."

They talked about what happened when everyone, including Bucky and Natasha, got out of The Bus.  
"Bucky looked _much_ happier than he did since he started with S.H.I.E.L.D.," someone noted.  
"He was clearly less grumpy. We couldn't read Natasha."  
"That's because she's got the best poker face of everyone here."  
"We don't know why the Bus went through another renovation," Stanley began, "all we know is that Fury's secretary is conducting a survey to see what kind of fish we'd like to include in the fish tank."  
"Seriously? Fury's finally installing a fish tank in there?" Paul asked curiously.  
"Yup. We need to submit entries by Friday."

"All we know for sure is that Bucky and Natasha finally banged each other right there in the Bus," Joann concluded.

They were all very glad that the sexual tension finally ended and that they could get back to procrastinating on their real work.

But to this day, they still can't figure out what happened in the plane that it needed so much renovating. Even the janitor won't 'fess up about the details.

So the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents can only imagine.


	2. Old Version-Chapter 1

The agents began piling into the building, preparing for another long work day ahead. Well, not really. At this point they were gathering in a large auditorium, avoiding doing actual work, and debriefing on the love triangle that had been Barton-Romanoff-Barnes and the resolution that followed.

**On Natasha Romanoff and Clint Barton**

"Wasn't he the one who recruited Natasha to the team?"  
"Yeah, she said something about owing him a debt."  
"I was so mad when I found out that they were going out! I was hoping to get together with him!"  
"He always brought us food. I didn't give a damn either way. The whole accounting department goes through busy season all year. We don't have time to care."  
"I was pretty happy they were together. They totally work well together."  
"Many of us shipped the two together anyway, but then I thought there was something she wasn't telling us."  
"And Rick from Statistics went into stealth mode and dug up her past!"

They talked about how Rick from Statistics managed to hack into the classified files (without getting caught by the system) and retrieve a copy of Natasha Romanoff's file. He had announced his discovery to everyone in excited, hushed whispers.

"Rick was a total ninja!"  
"Turns out she had an ex-boyfriend from her time in Russia."  
"I wouldn't say he was an ex-boyfriend. It was complicated. You get put into stasis and brainwashed but somewhere in there you probably remember your true love…"  
"But not only that, her ex was best friends with Steve! And neither Natasha or Steve knew that at the time."  
They explain that they didn't tell anyone at the time because it would get Rick in trouble.  
"Either way, that little piece of information complicated things with Clint."  
"Did he ever know?"  
"I'm not sure if he did."  
"He must have found out eventually, because remember how Natasha was starting to get reckless and going on unnecessary suicide missions to find her ex again?"  
They nod.  
"He started snooping around after that."  
"It was a bad time for BlackHawk shippers."  
"But many of us eventually jumped ship, especially after James joined the team."


	3. Old Version-Chapter 2

*****A/N: For more details on what exactly happened to The Bus, please read "I Hate a Goddamn Whiner" and "I Hate Mondays"***  
**

**On Natasha Romanoff and James Buchanan Barnes**

"This was when Aamir from I.T. decided to bring popcorn for everyone."  
"They clearly still loved each other, we could all tell, even the BlackHawk shippers, but he was fucked up in the head and she was seeing someone else."  
"Remember that really big fight they had?"  
"That was pure gold!"  
"He asked her what she saw in Clint or something—"  
"Didn't he call her a frigid bitch?"  
"No, you completely misheard. She said she wasn't going to stick around waiting for someone who probably wasn't going to show up ever unless there had been concrete evidence and by the time she found out he was alive, she was already seeing Clint—"  
"And Tony's bodyguard happened to hear this and mentioned that he'd seen Natasha changing clothes in the backseat of his car and actually said, 'with _her _body, there is no way in hell she is going to be a frigid bitch forever.'"  
"How did James _not_ kill the bodyguard after _that_ big reveal? And what was he doing at the agency, anyway?"  
"Running errands for Tony probably."  
"Or doing what we were all doing at the time: gathering intel on Winter Widow."  
"Winter Widow started yelling at each other in Russian. We didn't have time to get out our translator devices, so we don't know what they were saying. Suddenly, they started fighting, guns, knives, and all. No one could get in their way to stop them. It got so bad that R&D had to start moving some of the expensive equipment into safer storage units."  
"Accounting ended up hiding in the basement."  
"I purchased a set of soundproof headphones after that."  
"We had the highest amount of repair and maintenance expenses that quarter. Actually, we had the highest amount of expenses any quarter when James and Natasha would fight."  
"We started taking bets on when they would just _get back together already!_ We even asked the janitor, and Coulson and his team if they wanted to join in, and they said yes. Coulson even got the rest of the Avengers to bet on this. Everyone was too scared to ask Nick Fury."  
"Steve Rogers joining in on the bet was kind of lame, he's best friends with Bucky, so he's got inside information. That's like cheating."  
"But having to watch them deal with sexual tension was so painful! You just wanted to grab them together and say, 'JUST KISS ALREADY!'"

Everyone agrees with this.

"Even though I'm a BlackHawk fan, I figured Clint would break up with her eventually. If it's that obvious to _us_ that she likes someone else, it _has_ to be pretty obvious to him too."  
"And then a couple weeks after BlackHawk broke up, Robin told us she accidentally ran into Natasha and James in the break room _right when they were about to kiss!"  
_"It got awkward between them again. And then there was _more_ fighting, especially when some chick decided to hit on James."  
"I don't think we ever got any work done that whole time."  
"Newsflash: we _never_ get any work done."

But the best part, one agent added, was when all of the repressed sexual tension culminated in the notorious Bus incident.


	4. Old Version-Chapter 3

**On The Bus Incident**

"We were all back to work on Monday morning. Then we saw the janitor fleeing from the Bus, telling us not to go in there. He said he thought that Natasha and James were in there."  
"He was such a huge Winter Widow fan from the beginning. He totally called it, before everyone else did, that Winter Widow was meant to be."  
"Anyway, he told us what he thought he saw, but he also said that things were getting pretty crazy in The Bus, which looked perfectly fine from the outside."  
"He was right about not going in, you know. After what happened with Robin, Max from Security developed a program tracking all known locations where Natasha and James were most likely to be alone together, so we would know to avoid those places."  
"Yeah, if we'd gone in at a bad time, they're just going to pretend like nothing happened. She could get back together with Clint again, which would make _some_ of us happy, but—"  
"—then it's back to square one again with all the fighting. No one can actually stop them. I think that if Nick Fury tried, he'd get beat up, just like the rest of us."  
"Having those two fight epic battles in the S.H.I.E.L.D. building made things so much worse. We were the ones who had to renovate the whole building again. I'm just glad we rescued all the expensive equipment before Winter Widow could destroy them."  
They mumbled their agreement.  
"So when Mr. Fury found out, boy was he furious."  
"Ha-ha." Sarcasm.  
"All we know is that the alcohol in The Bus needed to be replaced and that Fury's finally installing a fish tank in there. His secretary is conducting a poll to see what kind of fish we'd want to include. We need to submit entries by Friday."  
"Did you see James's face when he left The Bus? He looked happier than normal."  
"Yes, because after all that time he spent in stasis, he _finally_ got laid again."

The agents come out of the hour-long meeting still undecided as to what kinds of fish they'd like to see in the fish tank for the renovated Bus. They can all agree that 1. Nick Fury stepping into The Bus didn't change things (thank GOD!) and 2. James Buchanan Barnes and Natasha Romanoff had finally resolved all that sexual tension by banging each other in The Bus.

But to this day, they still can't fathom how much damage was done to The Bus that it required all that renovating.

They can only imagine.


End file.
